Journey to the center of my colon
Saturday, August 25th, 10:06 EST
I have some very exciting news. Because I have a family history of colorectal cancer, I get to have a colonoscopy on Monday, a full 10 years ahead of schedule! And that means that I get to do a bowel prep tomorrow. I am so optimistic about the prep that I plan to post about it as it happens–at least, to the extent that I am physically able. I’ve never laptopped on the potty before and tomorrow will probably be a sub-optimal time to start.
I have started by preparing the solution. The instructions literally state that I am to ”chug” 4 liters of this stuff, which is apparently going to make me poop with some velocity starting sometime tomorrow. I have carefully selected the pineapple flavoring and the solution is chilling in the fridge over night.
We have been through a lot together, Reader, so I will be glad to have your support as I take this amazing opportunity to cleanse my bowels. After all, celebrities pay huge sums of money for this type of service; whereas I get to do it for a small co-pay in the comfort of my own home.
Sunday, August 26th, 5:38 PM EST
Thirty minutes until I drink the first delightful, chilled, pineapple-flavored glass of TriLyte. I am visualizing a Pina Colada on the beach in Hawaii, and I’m just flush with anticipation! The bathroom has been stocked with super-soft toilet paper, baby wipes, and reading material. I am ready, reader!
Sunday, August 26th, 6:11 PM EST
First glass down the hatch. Chilling the solution definitely helped, because the taste is not as wonderful as I had hoped. Nine minutes of respite before the next glass.
Sunday, August 26th, 6:16 PM EST
Jumped the gun a bit and chugged the second glass because I felt it was better to get it over with. Good times!
Sunday, August 26th, 6:34 PM EST
Uh oh. Third glass was very difficult to get down. My stomach is super-full right now and I almost upchucked it. Nausea is attacking. I’d better wait the full 20 minutes before I attempt another one.
Sunday, August 26th, 7:03 PM EST
This stuff is hard to describe. Is Donald Rumsfeld aware of TriLyte? I would think that it might be superior to waterboarding. Bowels are definitely rumbling.
Sunday, August 26th, 7:44 PM EST
Almost done. I just picked myself back up after slithering down the kitchen counter onto the floor after the last two glasses in my attempt not to puke. My bowels are making some very aggressive noises and externally visible movements. I now hate pineapples, pines, and apples. I am finding that my usual energetic demeanor is waning. I feel like I’ve been tased.
Sunday, August 26th, 8:35 PM EST
My bowels have begun their prepping, but that’s not the bad thing, I swear. Rather, it’s the aftertaste of pineapple-flavored TriLyte. I will never be able to watch SpongeBob SquarePants with my kids without feeling the urge to vomit. Which really isn’t a complete change.
Sunday, August 26th, 10:00 PM EST
Bathroom is a crime scene. I have chills and nausea but I am pretty sure there is not a thing left in my colon. Goodnight, reader!
Monday, August 27th, 1:00 PM EST
Propofol is, in fact, a wonderful drug. And my colon is polyp-free, so all is well!